One of the hardest things I've done in a long time.

Last Tuesday I went to Long Island to meet with my advisor and get some progress made towards the dissertation.

WITHOUT RUSSELL.

Wow. Was I not ready for that.

I worried about it for weeks before hand. Did I have enough milk stored up for him? Was he going to have enough day care so that his daddy didn't have to miss work? Was he going to be OK without his mommy? Was I going to scar him for life?(!)

Turns out, I probably should have been worrying about whether I was going to scar me for life instead. I missed him constantly, and I missed him even more those times when I called home and Justin told me he had a bad morning, or a bad night. Add the fact that Justin was sick, and we have a case of MAJOR MOMMY GUILT.

When I finally landed in Phoenix, and passed through security, they were there waiting for me. I dropped my bags and grabbed my baby, elated to have him back where I could hug him. He took one look at me and his face turned bright red and his eyebrows furrowed and he yelled at me. Boy was he mad. I was clearly getting a rant to the tune of "How dare you leave me Mommy! I missed you and you were gone and I am so mad at you...etc." He did it for about 10 minutes. Damn near broke my heart. At one point he even threw himself towards daddy, hoping daddy would take him back and he wouldn't have to be held by "That awful Mommy person who abandoned me, she doesn't deserve to hold the baby!"

Thankfully, within minutes, he decided that having Mommy back might actually be more important than yelling at her about being gone. His face cleared up, and he snuggled in as close as he could and wouldn't let go of my shirt. I even got a smile, followed by a hundred more. He fell asleep in the car seat holding my hand on the way home, and when we finally got home, he was more than happy to be able to nurse again. Sunday I got a full day of baby time. We both needed it.

So, all told, a little rough on both of us, but we survived it.

Mommy guilt still has me worried that he won't trust me not to leave again. I hope not...